15 Unbelievably Sexy Moments From The Early Years of Pitchfork

I’m not doing a People’s List because I think it’s lame Pitchfork wants content/social data without even bothering to get album covers they didn’t have already. Plus my head hurts if I think about reassessing 1996-2000, and I think it’s hilarious that they’re counting those years as part of their “era” when they’ve shunted all the content from that time off the site, forcing snarksters with long memories like myself to dig around web.archive.org if we want to recall classic moments like Ryan Schreiber telling Album Of The Year winners Interpol “Well, you know, it was you guys against Nellyville. He almost had it on affirmative action, but we couldn’t forgive the Band-Aid.” 

There’s a whole thread of choice reads on ILX if you’re interested, but here’s a taste, focused around Schreiber and Co.’s more erotic expressions of musical appreciation (the review where a guy shares his girlfriend’s coital commentary on 10,000 Hz Legend has been excluded since it’s still in the archive). Warning: things get more than a little “boyfriend’s browser history” after the jump.

15. “If American Teenage Rock ‘n’ Roll Machine doesn’t exactly grab you by the nipples the way uber-kids like X-Ray Spex or Bis have in the past, maybe the band’s Silicon Valley upbringing is to blame.”

14. “There’s something irresistible about that Chan Marshall, or as I like to call her, the Mark Eitzel of Atlanta. Recording under the Cat Power moniker, she’s got a magic coolness that only certain guitar- totin’ girls come equipped with. You know what I’m talkin’ about — like Beth Orton’s got the Magic Cool, too. You can’t really pinpoint any particularily cool things about Chan, though; she’s just cool.”

13. “Another in Mercury’s class of Kool & The Gang reissues, 1972’s Music Is The Message is the most notably funk-inspired. It’s got a groove that sticks to the greasiest parts of your body (whatever part that may be — it’s different for everyone) and vibrates.”

12. “The Dismemberment Plan spit in the face of modern music. Perhaps their coup is more analogous to an unexpected sloppy french kiss, in terms of saliva imagery. But Emergency and I heralds a new era in rock and roll. Nothing else you own sounds like this record, yet everything you own echoes throughout. The Dismemberment Plan’s chromosomes carry the superior DNA of rock’s genealogy through a natural sexual affair with music— not the cold process of cloning.”

11. “Four years ago, I found Issac Hayes’ Shaft on vinyl for a buck in a thrift store and it became the ultimate ‘sex music’ of my late-teen life. It’s got nothin’ on Superfly.”

10.Early Singles is pretty similar to Trouble Funk’s first re-issue, Live, with the exception that it’s a bunch of little songs that all sound the same instead of one big long one. These guys rule, though. Their rhythms are not only gonna get you down, they’re also gonna get you laid — if she’s feeling goofy.”

9. “Those of us in the know have a clue as to what makes a great Cocteau Twins album: whether or not it gets you laid. Treasure and Heaven or Las Vegas were great albums. Blue Bell Knoll and Head Over Heels were pretty good, too. Garlands worked nicely on an occasion, now that I think about it.”

8. “And so I was talking to Beverly on the phone tonight. I casually mentioned that I’d gotten the new Lisa Loeb CD, and as far as I could tell, no eyebrows were raised. She doesn’t know about me and Lisa, about what we used to have. I hung up the phone and turned on the TV and caught the tail end of ‘I Do’ on VH-1… the part where she’s squirming around on pink shag carpeting, not wearing any pants.

Here we go again.”

7. “Alright, who out there is naked? You. I see you. You’re naked. You’re sitting in front of your computer, perusing the web, and reading about some records. And you’re doing it all with your secret parts exposed. Is that really necessary? The Faint seem to think so. On their latest effort, Blank-Wave Arcade, the Faint sound completely nude. You can imagine these guys standing perfectly positioned behind their sea of keyboards, their hairy chests and legs staring you directly in the face. And whether it’s really necessary is not an issue— it’s fun.”

6. “My ex-girlfriend recently pointed out to me that my reviews have increasingly become more and more sexual. She was alarmed. Massages, foot sucking, chest rubbing, phermone wipes, jimmy hats, and PVC pop up in my reviews with greater frequency than pimples on Dawson’s cheek. I explained to her it was all for the entertaiment of the Internet masses and that I would try to turn it down a notch.

So now Ryan Pitchfork sends me the new Momus record, featuring the tongue- and- other- body- parts- in- cheek ditty, ‘Coming In A Girl’s Mouth.’ The song is catchy as hell, but somehow I can’t picture cheerleaders jeeping to squad practice, cranking the FM, smacking gum, swaying back and forth, singing along with the insightful line, ‘With a fluid the consistancy of honey, tapoica, and motor oil.’ However, I bet Momus, the horny Scotch bastard, can picture this scenario vividly. With his boney frame in back holding onto the rollbar, giggling and goggling the girls with wide eyes through designer sunglasses smeared with a gossamer of splattered gnats, Momus daydreams new songs ideas…”

5.Mark’s Keyboard Repair has, quite frankly, hit my G Chord.”

4. “Lo-fi indie rock is probably the greatest thing since ejaculation, and I’m not taking any chances. I’m loving it full-on. Show no mercy. No holds barred. Full-on, baby. I mean, come on! Home recordings of people mixing the pop sounds of ’60s with the firey glam-rock of the ’70s! What’s not to love? And Sebadoh clearly stand out as indie rock champs along with other home tapers like Guided By Voices and Jack Logan. These are the guys that are going down in history as The Real Shit. Harmacy just further proves Sebadoh are among the rulers of the rock-n-roll wetdream they call ‘independence.’”

3. “Another cool thing about The Rentals is that Sharp is partially responsible for what looks like a great big Moog comeback. Before you know it, they’ll be everywhere again: On TV, in movies, on stage, and in your kitchen. Well, we’ll see, I guess. It’s a big fantasy of mine. I have a lot of fantasies. Oops.”

2. “I glanced at the jewel case she’d thrown down with the rest and saw that it was Morcheeba’s Who Can You Trust?. Just as Skye Edwards began to croon, ‘Sometimes I get up feelin’ good/ But greed gets me down,’ she stood up, turned to face me and began unbuttoning her blouse. I first saw her nipples, black in the blueness of that barren room, as Skye sung with molasses- richness: ‘Good vibrations that we make will come bouncing back.’ I felt her nakedness in my arms as Skye told me, ‘Soak up Wisdom all year long/ And then take action.’ My mouth was wandering along the mountains and valleys of her purple skin as Skye spoke to me: ‘Things have changed this time around/ I’m on the rocks and lookin’ down/ And I can’t see/ For all the darkness ‘round here.’ I began to spin deep into the vortex of her flesh, her soul, heart and darkest eyes, as Skye soundtracked the event to its ultimate climax.

Upon the morn, she was gone and the sun shone brightly into her room. I gathered my clothes around me and found my way out, the blisteringly bright sun torturing the dark memories of night. I held my collar as I took the city bus back, and thought about both Skye and my princess bride. Deep down, I knew the music was expressing something deep— the intersection between the modern urban paranoia of her flat and the pure undiluted pleasure of her voice, skin and arms. Sex energized with dark fears. Slow beats mirroring her heartbeat. Jazzy guitars and sax recalling. Electro touches forecasting. Morcheeba, simply happening.”

1. “There are two types of condom buyers.

   1) Loudly walks into the corner drugstore asking, ‘Yo, wher’re the caps at?!’ The kid behind the counter asks, ‘Excuse me?’ ‘You know, Caps… Jimmy Hats, Gloves, McRibs, Sleeping Bags, Mobile Suit Gundams, Slips, Slides, Slip ‘n’ Slides, Socks, Shoes, Flip- Flops, Backseat Airbags, Cozies, Boil- in- the- bag Rice, Gummis, Gummi Bears, Prophylactics, Shirts, Skins,’ the condom guy asks. ‘I need a second layer for the root.’ The kid replies with a voice as cracky as the littlest Hanson, ‘Um, yes, uh… Behind the cheap toys, aisle five, next to the rack of reading eyeglasses.’

   2) Sneaks in on tip- toe. The buyer hunches his shoulders like Quasimodo and darts his eyes around in paranoia like a rookie spy on PCP. The buyer circles every aisle twice to lose the trail of any potential stock- boy or curious customer. The buyer picks up random items like Ace Bandages, Post- It Notes, Saline Solution, and Funyuns with his condoms to camouflage his dirty secret. The buyer never makes eye contact with the cashier.

Fact: The first type of condom buyer is more likely to enjoy Pulp’s This is Hardcore.”


  1. imathers said: re: voting: agreed.
  2. anthonyisright posted this