Chris Brown Calls Paparazzi “Gay” After Parking Ticket Scare
Tomorrow’s my last day at TheFABLife, which means that if I ever write another sentence like the one above after this week, I’m probably not being paid to do it. I’ve actually left the job twice before for personal and freelance contracty reasons (I like to compare myself to Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker, only instead of leaving the cereal aisle to defuse bombs under gunfire, I’d serve tours of duty searching photohouses for WTF Celebrity Fashion), but this time I actually have plans - I’m starting grad school in the fall - so the odds that I’ll return in three months or so are considerably smaller than before.
While I’m excited for school and the idea of never looking at the Huffington Post entertainment section again (the next time an icon scores a MAJOR epic role I may not be the first to know), my co-workers (who’ve included Rich, Matt, Kate, Lauren, Liz, Nick, Crystal, Mark and Halle among tumblr-ers and twitter-ers - there’s also a guy named Jordan who should get one of these things) are a funny, kind and sympathetic group of people, which is ironic considering that we’ve regularly profited from the humiliation of those who’ve never done anything to us. Whether I was off getting married or dealing with family emergencies or being oddly pious and nitpicky for the guy who wrote The Worst Blog Post Of The Year (about four entries down if you google that phrase), everyone’s always been super nice to me. Sure, I rewarded their faith when I got Gerard Butler and Chris Colfer fans from around the world to battle over which was more “fab,” but they had no way of knowing that would happen.
As I realize every time I talk to someone with no connection to this bloggy world, I’ve been incredibly lucky to spend the better part of three years sitting in a cubicle above Times Square and pretending I’m Joel McHale for fun and profit. That I’ve met so many wonderful, hilarious people while doing it is just amazing, and I’m going to miss them a lot. I sincerely hope they’ll continue to invite me to shit on Facebook, as I will certainly do likewise.
The 18-track Electric Six “greatest hits” playlist I have features three songs from each of the six albums the band has recorded after Fire, which I ignored entirely since a) most people I’d give the CD to have heard the big UK novelty hits from the album and b) my mission is to get people hooked and want more, not feel like they’ve got all the Electric Six they could want. Aside from one boo-boo (“Egyptian Cowboy” and “Escape From Ohio” were switched), the songs go in reverse chronological progressive order: earliest of the three songs from Zodiac, earliest of the three from Kill, on through Senor Smoke, and then we’re back with the middle track from Zodiac, Kill, etc., until we’ve reached the last song on Senor Smoke to be included. This design mixes equal doses of every album - subtly suggesting all of them are worth your while - while recreating the way the albums progress (tracks from the beginnings of albums appear at the beginning, tracks from the end appear at the end).
After The “Fire”: Electric Six 2005-2010
After Hours/ Waste Of Time And Money/ We Were Witchy Witchy White Women/ Dance Pattern/ I Buy The Drugs/ Rock’n’Roll Evacuation/ Jam It In The Hole/ Escape From Ohio/ Dirty Ball/ Randy’s Hot Tonight/ Mr. Woman/ Devil Nights/ Rubberband Man/ Egyptian Cowboy/ Watching Evil Empires Fall Apart/ Fabulous People/ There’s Something Very Wrong With Us Tonight/ The Future Is In The Future
10 of these songs appear on Matt’s PREDATOR MODE! mix which generally gives a little more love to live favorites than I do. Since I suggested in my recent "Infected Girls" post that the track would be included on a 24-track mix, I decided to go one better and make a hypothetical 2CD best-of tracklisting with 28 songs: 4 from every album, including Fire. I avoided the three UK top 40 hits (“Danger! High Voltage,” “Gay Bar,” “Dance Commander”) due to their relative familiarity compared to everything since, but Fire's deep cuts are more than solid enough to match any cut from the later years. While the still-great “Dirty Ball” and “Egyptian Cowboy” were tossed because other tracks on Flashy and Kill have grown on me enough to outshadow them, “Future In The Future” was tossed for aesthetic reasons. A great closer on it’s own, following it with “Synthesizer” felt awkward, like when you give an old friend a big hug while leaving a bar and then discover you parked near each other, requiring another big hug. “Future” is easily The Best Song That Isn’t Included, but again the point of these mixes is to entice and impress, not serve as a one-stop shopping spot for all your E6 needs.
Theo P. Tandahari (Shia LaBeouf) is a loose cannon Pitchfork scribe, changing the face of indie rock every time he declares a band Best New Music. Given the opportunity to spend a week on the road with rising stars Jenny & The Human Body (led by Jena Malone), he gets a first hand view at just how many lives are affected by a single rating.
Editor Matt Schwimmer (Jonah Hill): Dammit, Theo! I can’t let you give the Ziptones a 4.2! You know how much promotion we have planned! You know how the dominoes will fall! Theo P. Tandahari: Well it’s like the Minutemen said, bro. Do you want new wave…or do you want the truth?
Theo P. Tandahari: We’re the first generation to be co-opted since the womb. The corporations are three steps ahead and telling us where to walk. Guy Malleo (Chord Overstreet): Hey man, I’m just in it for the music. If scoring that ad can buy me a dobro, I’m down. Theo P. Tandahari: That ad also bought the reason you play it. Guy Malleo: I don’t think you even know what playing means. Theo P. Tandahari: *raises glass* Cheers to that.
Theo P. Tandahari: I have a responsibility to the readers, Jenny. Jenny: And you don’t have a responsibility to me? After everything? Theo P. Tandahari: I’ll give you the truth like everyone else, Jenny. But I’ll hold you when the truth hurts.
Theo P. Tandahari: You’ve been writing about this rock shit for 50 years…don’t you ever think you’ve heard everything young people have to say? Jim Frius (Bruce Dern): Not as long as you kids keep talking.
“Rossdale plays Armand, a wealthy and powerful villain with a hand in nefarious projects all over the world.”—While I have yet to see Burn Notice outside of an airplane, I may have to make room on the DVR for the upcoming episode featuring Gavin Rossdale. The shots of him twirling a coin between his knuckles in Costantine were pretty awesome and I want to support his acting career, as long as it revolves around playing bad guys in crap.